Tuesday, June 16, 2009


I was going to put this down yesterday but it was a very rough day I
needed time to just breathe after everything happened. I found out
that a guy I have been on a few dates with and starting to like a lot
is going to enter treatment for being gay! It crushed me I was in
tears when I read his texts. This has happened way to much to me. I
find a good guy to date who has a similar background as me and he
leaves. 3 times now in less than a year. Why do I do this to myself. I
either date guys who just want sex and i give in trying to feel the
void or I find amazing guys who i could see myself with for a long
time and they decide not to be gay any more. It has got me wondering
would it be better to just give up and stop pursuing a homosexual
relationship? Should i go back to church and find a girl who will
marry me. I don't feel I would ever truly love her as a normal straight
guy would.

Well this whole thing just hurt so bad. I got back into contact with a
friend i met online and we hooked up. It took the pain away for the
moment but when he left i felt even more alone. I tried praying but i
had no clue what to ask for.

I just turned on some music and fell asleep.

This morning when I woke up it was lonely. I felt all alone why can I
not find a good guy who wants to be with a guy and actually fall in
love with each other. I have not felt this way in a long time. I don't
like the feeling it is such an empty one. Why is it I become not in
love but head over heals for people so fast. I am just setting myself
up for disapointment.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Hi I am Quiet Ponderings

I decided my first blog post would be used to introduce myself. Here it goes hold on, It has been a little over a year that I have been coming to terms with being gay. This last year my entire life has changed dramatically, the way I act, the way I dress and the people I associate with. I have done many stupid things this last year I regret and I am torn between two things. First becoming active in the church and getting married to a woman. Second continue to be spiritual and keep my relationship with God open and find my life Partner and hopefully be able to get married to him. I am truly worried about how my family will take all of this I care so much about them. My family knows I am gay and many of them think it is not a wise choice to marry a girl. I have read a few blogs on here and I believe this is the place to find answers and help.